The Ultimate Act Of Selfishness
In the week since my journey to Ten Broeck, I've come to realize something I never would have. I was reading an email from my good friend and former co-worker Mark. He wanted to let me know the impact I had made up there and on others, especially on one of my own students. As I read it, it hit me that suicide is actually the ultimate act of selfishness.
Suicide is a way out for too many people. They want to end their pain and suffering. It is a permanent solution to their pain, but causes more pain and suffering. In ending their lives, they are putting themselves too far ahead of their friends, family and loved ones. When someone commits suicide, they are denying others so much. You see, suicide is a deeply personal act. It is rarely done with the knowledge of others. When someone decides to go down that path, they are disregarding how others feel.
It is so easy to recall the Jimmy Stewart movie "It's A Wonderful Life". Yet the story in that rings so true. We have connections to so many people, many that we are completely unaware of. The impact we have on others is vast. In a way, as we live, we weave a web of connections. One tug in one spot on that web, and the whole web moves. Perhaps the effects diminish with distance, both physical and emotional. Still, the effect is there. I have friends on the other side of the Atlantic, as well as on the other side of the globe, who would have been effected by my suicide.
Think of the survivors of suicide. It denies them closure, a chance to say goodbye. They are simply left picking up the pieces and asking why. The person who commits suicide may have said goodbye, but no one else could.
I feel sad for those people I've known who've committed suicide. All they had to do was let someone know they were hurting and how deep it was. If one person was unable to help, they could have always turned to others, and if that failed, there was always counseling... or in my case, hospitalization.
As I look back at the events of last week, it hits me just how wrong, how painful, how selfish I was being. When I started feeling that the Paxil was failing, that instead of controlling it was worsening my depression, I should have immediately sought help. Instead, I internalized the problems on the one hand, and externalized perceived "causes" and "triggers" on the other. I'm intelligent... usually. Instead, I let the pain and my own stubbornness take command; "Surely, this is the deepest pain in the world! No one has suffered as much as I! Look at me, I am the king of pain! It's hopeless!"
It took a number of things to fix this. First, of course, were the meds. Next was just the isolation and therapy. The two biggest things, though, involved others. While at Ten Broeck, I met people who have problems far greater than mine. Yes, depression is bad. There are mental illnesses that make it pale in comparison, however.
And there was the big, gaping hole I would have left in the lives of others. I might be one person, but the lives I've touched in turn touch others.
I'm not a selfish person. There is so much more I want to give... and I can't if I'm not around to do so. To those to whom I've seemed selfish, I am truly sorry.
Suicide is a way out for too many people. They want to end their pain and suffering. It is a permanent solution to their pain, but causes more pain and suffering. In ending their lives, they are putting themselves too far ahead of their friends, family and loved ones. When someone commits suicide, they are denying others so much. You see, suicide is a deeply personal act. It is rarely done with the knowledge of others. When someone decides to go down that path, they are disregarding how others feel.
It is so easy to recall the Jimmy Stewart movie "It's A Wonderful Life". Yet the story in that rings so true. We have connections to so many people, many that we are completely unaware of. The impact we have on others is vast. In a way, as we live, we weave a web of connections. One tug in one spot on that web, and the whole web moves. Perhaps the effects diminish with distance, both physical and emotional. Still, the effect is there. I have friends on the other side of the Atlantic, as well as on the other side of the globe, who would have been effected by my suicide.
Think of the survivors of suicide. It denies them closure, a chance to say goodbye. They are simply left picking up the pieces and asking why. The person who commits suicide may have said goodbye, but no one else could.
I feel sad for those people I've known who've committed suicide. All they had to do was let someone know they were hurting and how deep it was. If one person was unable to help, they could have always turned to others, and if that failed, there was always counseling... or in my case, hospitalization.
As I look back at the events of last week, it hits me just how wrong, how painful, how selfish I was being. When I started feeling that the Paxil was failing, that instead of controlling it was worsening my depression, I should have immediately sought help. Instead, I internalized the problems on the one hand, and externalized perceived "causes" and "triggers" on the other. I'm intelligent... usually. Instead, I let the pain and my own stubbornness take command; "Surely, this is the deepest pain in the world! No one has suffered as much as I! Look at me, I am the king of pain! It's hopeless!"
It took a number of things to fix this. First, of course, were the meds. Next was just the isolation and therapy. The two biggest things, though, involved others. While at Ten Broeck, I met people who have problems far greater than mine. Yes, depression is bad. There are mental illnesses that make it pale in comparison, however.
And there was the big, gaping hole I would have left in the lives of others. I might be one person, but the lives I've touched in turn touch others.
I'm not a selfish person. There is so much more I want to give... and I can't if I'm not around to do so. To those to whom I've seemed selfish, I am truly sorry.
posted by Robert at 8:18 PM
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